Hey YOU!
Yeah you!
Quit running away, that restraining order isn't in effect until the 20th!
There! Now I couldn't help but overhear through the walky talky I quietly sewed into your pants that you are having computer troubles. I know how to fix that!
For the low low price of FREE my friends over at TechnoFyed will help you stop that rampaging robot in your attic from eating all your Cornflakes. All you have to do is mosey on down to http://www.technofyed.com/, register and ask away!
Act fast! Robots love Cornflakes, but human flesh is tastier.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
From "The Personal Files of Awesome_Dragon"
My friends and casual acquaintances it is time I told you the truth about our world. A truth few have known about, and few always will. Eons ago, there was a war in Heaven. Satan and a third of the beings there fell and were cast to Earth. However, there are six beings that there is little record of. These six beings were Satan's most powerful and loyal generals in the aforementioned war.
They were called the Darchons.
The six Darchons were pure evil in it's highest form, six demons each with a particular power or ability that were capable of immense destruction. After the fall Satan imprisoned each Darchon all over the world, fearing that they would interfere with his plans. For millenia the Darchons waited patiently as their seals began to fade. One by one over the ages they escaped, striking a deal with a weak and pathetic human that allowed them complete control over their host, giving them the bodies they needed to accomplish their dark designs.
Unfortunately my research has only revealed two Darchons at this time, the first of which I will share with you know. After much research and a few near death experiences, I compiled this file.
The Darchon Files 001: GalgaMael
To the best of my knowledge, GalgaMael the Fame Monster, was the first Darchon to free himself. Darchons hunt hosts with similar desires and prey on them and offers them visions of glory until the person is willing to host the demon in order to achieve greatness. Sadly this rarely works in the hosts favor.
GalgaMael is called "the Fame Monster" for a very simple reason: He feeds on fame. He literally needs it in order to survive. He has spent centuries as a popularity parasite, taking a host turning her (Oddly most of GalgaMael's hosts tend to be female.) into an overnight sensation and then leaving her to cope after her twenty minutes of fame are over. Many of GalgaMael's former hosts are driven mad by the experience and have a hard time healing their mental scars after possesion. Former hosts like Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan have a long way to go if they ever wish to get over thier traumatic time spent as hosts to a Darchon.
After acquiring his most recent host he became a pop celebrity in no time at all, using his powers of persuasion to acquire record deals, and using hypnotic music to brainwash the masses. In no time at all GalgaMael had acquired vast amounts of fame and was more powerful than ever before. The more outrageous his acts became the more slaves flocked to his aid. Unfortunately GalgaMael's power continues to grow unchecked.
The mere mention of GalgaMael (or his host's) name causes the monster's powers to grow, so fortunately since few people read this blog, the mentioning here will not raise his strength substantially.
Simply knowing the truth will help you resist GalgaMael's dark influence, and hopefully spread the word to combat him. Why the Council has yet to send someone to combat him however remains a mystery.
My friends and casual acquaintances it is time I told you the truth about our world. A truth few have known about, and few always will. Eons ago, there was a war in Heaven. Satan and a third of the beings there fell and were cast to Earth. However, there are six beings that there is little record of. These six beings were Satan's most powerful and loyal generals in the aforementioned war.
They were called the Darchons.
The six Darchons were pure evil in it's highest form, six demons each with a particular power or ability that were capable of immense destruction. After the fall Satan imprisoned each Darchon all over the world, fearing that they would interfere with his plans. For millenia the Darchons waited patiently as their seals began to fade. One by one over the ages they escaped, striking a deal with a weak and pathetic human that allowed them complete control over their host, giving them the bodies they needed to accomplish their dark designs.
Unfortunately my research has only revealed two Darchons at this time, the first of which I will share with you know. After much research and a few near death experiences, I compiled this file.
The Darchon Files 001: GalgaMael
Name: GalgaMael the Fame Monster
Powers and Abilities: Mind Control, Power over Illusions, Telekinetic abilities.
Current Host: Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, aka "Lady Gaga"To the best of my knowledge, GalgaMael the Fame Monster, was the first Darchon to free himself. Darchons hunt hosts with similar desires and prey on them and offers them visions of glory until the person is willing to host the demon in order to achieve greatness. Sadly this rarely works in the hosts favor.
GalgaMael is called "the Fame Monster" for a very simple reason: He feeds on fame. He literally needs it in order to survive. He has spent centuries as a popularity parasite, taking a host turning her (Oddly most of GalgaMael's hosts tend to be female.) into an overnight sensation and then leaving her to cope after her twenty minutes of fame are over. Many of GalgaMael's former hosts are driven mad by the experience and have a hard time healing their mental scars after possesion. Former hosts like Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan have a long way to go if they ever wish to get over thier traumatic time spent as hosts to a Darchon.
After acquiring his most recent host he became a pop celebrity in no time at all, using his powers of persuasion to acquire record deals, and using hypnotic music to brainwash the masses. In no time at all GalgaMael had acquired vast amounts of fame and was more powerful than ever before. The more outrageous his acts became the more slaves flocked to his aid. Unfortunately GalgaMael's power continues to grow unchecked.
The mere mention of GalgaMael (or his host's) name causes the monster's powers to grow, so fortunately since few people read this blog, the mentioning here will not raise his strength substantially.
Simply knowing the truth will help you resist GalgaMael's dark influence, and hopefully spread the word to combat him. Why the Council has yet to send someone to combat him however remains a mystery.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Ten Things I'd like to Thank Twilight For
(Caution, this post is awesome and thus you will be offended. But if you know me, there is a good chance I've offended you in multiple increasingly hilarious ways already.)
The title of this blog post probably BLEW. YOUR. MIND. Rest assured my hatred for Twilight is as strong as Twi-Vampires are sparkly, but I've said everything negative I have to say about Twilight so many times that I can't bring myself to go through the same spiel anymore. So, I've taken a different approach, I'll list ten "positive" things about Twilight instead. So, without further ado, the ten things I'd like to thank Twilight for:
1. THANKS FOR ROOTING OUT THE CRAZIES FROM THE REGULAR PEOPLE
95% of all Twilight fans are crazy. This is a universal truth that can not be denied. The remaining 5% are good people that got caught up in a whirlwind of bad writing and estrogen. Thanks to Twilight however, separating crazy people from regular people has never been easier! Be it a dance, a party, a date, whatever, just ask whoever it is you are about to hang out with if they like Twilight. If they say no, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! If they say yes, befriend them at your own risk because there is a pretty good chance they'll break into your house in the middle of the night and watch you sleep.
2.THANKS FOR GIVING THE WORLD SOME GREAT COMEDIC MATERIAL
This one is pretty much self explanatory, and I'm sure you've already heard all my jokes on the subject, but when your source material is so bad, it's own actors take potshots at it, well....
3. THANKS FOR CONVINCING GIRLS EVERYWHERE THAT STALKING, AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE AWESOME
Just kidding, this is actually pretty horrible. The messages these books send out aren't exactly kid friendly, but who is the target demographic? One day when the teenage fans grow up (and the middle aged fans die) they'll look back and hang their head at what they once considered romantic.
4.THANKS FOR BRINGING TOURISM TO A SMALL TOWN IN WASHINGTON
At least the sleepy burg of Forks, WA gets to rake in tourists. Sure most of these tourists are crazy teenage girls that probably ask every guy they see to bite them, just in case, but hey free publicity! And New York thought pudgy tourists with cameras were bad.
5.THANKS FOR RUINING OVER ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF PROGRESS FOR THE MORMON CHURCH
This one even I'll admit is an over exaggeration, but I'm really running out of ways to make it to ten. However quite a few people have taken many of the creepy aspects for the books to be just general Mormon weirdness. Yes, we are weird, but we aren't Stephanie Meyer weird. Please don't associate us with her. Ever.
6.THANKS FOR BRINGING GLITTER BODY-LOTION BACK IN STYLE
I've been wondering what I was going to do with that surplus of 200 cases I ordered from Avon a few years back.
7. THANKS FOR PROVING THAT MEN AND WOMEN AREN'T SO DIFFERENT
For years women have joked that men are pigs, but when a movie comes out featuring half naked men fawning over a teenage girl, suddenly it's the best thing ever. If you flipped the genders of almost every character in the series people would be calling sexism over and over. But those werewolves are just SO dreamy!
8. EIGHT IS MY FAVORITE NUMBER
So I get to skip one and make my way to ten faster.
9.THANKS FOR GIVING GREAT BANDS FREE PUBLICITY
At least the soundtracks give some more obscure and really good bands some bonus iTunes purchases. Too bad the albums have Twilight on the front though.
Finally, there. Last but not least:
10. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME HOPE
Thank you Stephanie Meyer, you pale pudgy Mormon housewife you, for showing a young aspiring author that with absolutely no effort on my part, I can publish giant pieces of dredge and come out a millionaire. For showing me that no matter how bad I accuse my own writing of being, that if you got published,
ANYONE CAN.
The title of this blog post probably BLEW. YOUR. MIND. Rest assured my hatred for Twilight is as strong as Twi-Vampires are sparkly, but I've said everything negative I have to say about Twilight so many times that I can't bring myself to go through the same spiel anymore. So, I've taken a different approach, I'll list ten "positive" things about Twilight instead. So, without further ado, the ten things I'd like to thank Twilight for:
1. THANKS FOR ROOTING OUT THE CRAZIES FROM THE REGULAR PEOPLE
95% of all Twilight fans are crazy. This is a universal truth that can not be denied. The remaining 5% are good people that got caught up in a whirlwind of bad writing and estrogen. Thanks to Twilight however, separating crazy people from regular people has never been easier! Be it a dance, a party, a date, whatever, just ask whoever it is you are about to hang out with if they like Twilight. If they say no, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! If they say yes, befriend them at your own risk because there is a pretty good chance they'll break into your house in the middle of the night and watch you sleep.
2.THANKS FOR GIVING THE WORLD SOME GREAT COMEDIC MATERIAL
This one is pretty much self explanatory, and I'm sure you've already heard all my jokes on the subject, but when your source material is so bad, it's own actors take potshots at it, well....
3. THANKS FOR CONVINCING GIRLS EVERYWHERE THAT STALKING, AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE AWESOME
Just kidding, this is actually pretty horrible. The messages these books send out aren't exactly kid friendly, but who is the target demographic? One day when the teenage fans grow up (and the middle aged fans die) they'll look back and hang their head at what they once considered romantic.
4.THANKS FOR BRINGING TOURISM TO A SMALL TOWN IN WASHINGTON
At least the sleepy burg of Forks, WA gets to rake in tourists. Sure most of these tourists are crazy teenage girls that probably ask every guy they see to bite them, just in case, but hey free publicity! And New York thought pudgy tourists with cameras were bad.
5.THANKS FOR RUINING OVER ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF PROGRESS FOR THE MORMON CHURCH
This one even I'll admit is an over exaggeration, but I'm really running out of ways to make it to ten. However quite a few people have taken many of the creepy aspects for the books to be just general Mormon weirdness. Yes, we are weird, but we aren't Stephanie Meyer weird. Please don't associate us with her. Ever.
6.THANKS FOR BRINGING GLITTER BODY-LOTION BACK IN STYLE
I've been wondering what I was going to do with that surplus of 200 cases I ordered from Avon a few years back.
7. THANKS FOR PROVING THAT MEN AND WOMEN AREN'T SO DIFFERENT
For years women have joked that men are pigs, but when a movie comes out featuring half naked men fawning over a teenage girl, suddenly it's the best thing ever. If you flipped the genders of almost every character in the series people would be calling sexism over and over. But those werewolves are just SO dreamy!
8. EIGHT IS MY FAVORITE NUMBER
So I get to skip one and make my way to ten faster.
9.THANKS FOR GIVING GREAT BANDS FREE PUBLICITY
At least the soundtracks give some more obscure and really good bands some bonus iTunes purchases. Too bad the albums have Twilight on the front though.
Finally, there. Last but not least:
10. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME HOPE
Thank you Stephanie Meyer, you pale pudgy Mormon housewife you, for showing a young aspiring author that with absolutely no effort on my part, I can publish giant pieces of dredge and come out a millionaire. For showing me that no matter how bad I accuse my own writing of being, that if you got published,
ANYONE CAN.
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