Ten Things I'd like to Thank Twilight For

(Caution, this post is awesome and thus you will be offended. But if you know me, there is a good chance I've offended you in multiple increasingly hilarious ways already.)

The title of this blog post probably BLEW. YOUR. MIND. Rest assured my hatred for Twilight is as strong as Twi-Vampires are sparkly, but I've said everything negative I have to say about Twilight so many times that I can't bring myself to go through the same spiel anymore. So, I've taken a different approach, I'll list ten "positive" things about Twilight instead. So, without further ado, the ten things I'd like to thank Twilight for:

1. THANKS FOR ROOTING OUT THE CRAZIES FROM THE REGULAR PEOPLE

95% of all Twilight fans are crazy. This is a universal truth that can not be denied. The remaining 5% are good people that got caught up in a whirlwind of bad writing and estrogen. Thanks to Twilight however, separating crazy people from regular people has never been easier! Be it a dance, a party, a date, whatever, just ask whoever it is you are about to hang out with if they like Twilight. If they say no, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! If they say yes, befriend them at your own risk because there is a pretty good chance they'll break into your house in the middle of the night and watch you sleep.

2.THANKS FOR GIVING THE WORLD SOME GREAT COMEDIC MATERIAL

This one is pretty much self explanatory, and I'm sure you've already heard all my jokes on the subject, but when your source material is so bad, it's own actors take potshots at it, well....

3. THANKS FOR CONVINCING GIRLS EVERYWHERE THAT STALKING, AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE AWESOME

Just kidding, this is actually pretty horrible. The messages these books send out aren't exactly kid friendly, but who is the target demographic? One day when the teenage fans grow up (and the middle aged fans die) they'll look back and hang their head at what they once considered romantic.

4.THANKS FOR BRINGING TOURISM TO A SMALL TOWN IN WASHINGTON

At least the sleepy burg of Forks, WA gets to rake in tourists. Sure most of these tourists are crazy teenage girls that probably ask every guy they see to bite them, just in case, but hey free publicity! And New York thought pudgy tourists with cameras were bad.

5.THANKS FOR RUINING OVER ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF PROGRESS FOR THE MORMON CHURCH

This one even I'll admit is an over exaggeration, but I'm really running out of ways to make it to ten. However quite a few people have taken many of the creepy aspects for the books to be just general Mormon weirdness. Yes, we are weird, but we aren't Stephanie Meyer weird. Please don't associate us with her. Ever.

6.THANKS FOR BRINGING GLITTER BODY-LOTION BACK IN STYLE

I've been wondering what I was going to do with that surplus of 200 cases I ordered from Avon a few years back.

7. THANKS FOR PROVING THAT MEN AND WOMEN AREN'T SO DIFFERENT

For years women have joked that men are pigs, but when a movie comes out featuring half naked men fawning over a teenage girl, suddenly it's the best thing ever. If you flipped the genders of almost every character in the series people would be calling sexism over and over. But those werewolves are just SO dreamy!

8. EIGHT IS MY FAVORITE NUMBER

So I get to skip one and make my way to ten faster.

9.THANKS FOR GIVING GREAT BANDS FREE PUBLICITY

At least the soundtracks give some more obscure and really good bands some bonus iTunes purchases. Too bad the albums have Twilight on the front though.

Finally, there. Last but not least:

10. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME HOPE

Thank you Stephanie Meyer, you pale pudgy Mormon housewife you, for showing a young aspiring author that with absolutely no effort on my part, I can publish giant pieces of dredge and come out a millionaire. For showing me that no matter how bad I accuse my own writing of being, that if you got published,

ANYONE CAN.