Open For Interpretation: Freefallin' The True Story

I'll just come out and say it, Freefallin', a 1989 song by Tom Petty, makes no freaking sense. Now, I don't claim to be one of those artistic types that pretend that Jackson Pollock's "Barf on Canvas" is art simply because everyone else pretends it is.

I draw this thing everytime I eat at Sonic. Where's my paycheck?

I don't draw interpretations where there are none. Except right here and right now. I will interpret this song. OR DIE TRYING!

First verse:
She's a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and America too
She's a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too, yeah yeah

So yeah, this girl loves Jesus, her parents, Elvis, equines, and is faithful to her significant other. She's like the female Captain America.

"Buy you a drink, sailor?"

She probably bleeds stars and stripes. So we learn later in this song that she is the singer's girlfriend. (We will refer to our musical narrator as T. Petty to protect his Tom Pettyish identity) So what happens next?

Second Verse: (Same as the first?)
And it's a long day livin' in Reseda
There's a freeway runnin' through the yard
I'm a bad boy 'cause I don't even miss her
I'm a bad boy for breakin' her heart
Whoa, whoa whoa, T. Petty was dating superperfectleaveittobeavermomlady and then just totally out and breaks her heart? That's cold T. Petty. Mega cold. Like, only having your music play on classic rock stations once a week cold. But maybe he has a reason for this? Let us move on to the chorus first:

And I'm free, free fallin', fallin
And I'm free, free fallin', fallin
So like everyone, T. Petty immediately goes cliff diving after breaking up with his girlfriend. No problem with this line. Rock on, Petty.

Third Verse:
All the vampires walkin' through the valley
They move west down Ventura Boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
And the good girls are home with broken hearts

Okay, so California refrences, break ups, America, woah, wait vampires?! Vampires! Suddenly the lyrics make a very dark turn! T. Petty HAD to break up with his girlfriend because he had been bitten by one of California's many undead drug cartels. He couldn't risk turning and harming her. She is one of the few last remaining paragons of Americana after all. So T. Petty hitches a ride via biplane, Indiana Jones style, and flies to the very heart of California to confront the man behind all of this madness: Dracula.

Suddenly, the original 1989 Single cover art makes a lot more sense.

Chorus:
And I'm free, free fallin', fallin
Now I'm free, free fallin', fallin

Free fallin', now I'm free fallin
Now I'm free fallin, now I'm free fallin
Now I'm free fallin, now I'm free fallin
Now I'm free fallin, now I'm free fallin

These lines now make sense. T. Petty is diving out of the plane to parachute down and take Dracula's castle by storm! We can only assume he succeeds and kills the Lord of Darkness, but unfortunately this does not end his curse. Behold the sad conclusion:

Third Verse:
I wanna glide down over Mulholland
I wanna write her, her name in the sky
I'm wanna free fall out into nothin'
Oh, I'm gonna leave this, this world for a while

T. Petty wants to skywrite his beloved's name in the sky before he succumbs to his damned existence. Kinda touching really. But wait! T. Petty will not succumb to this vile corruption. He tearfully waves goodbye to his beloved, then commits suicide by jumping out of his plane:

Chorus:
Now I'm free, free fallin', fallin
Now I'm free, free fallin', fallin
Now I'm free, free fallin', fallin
Now I'm free, free fallin', fallin

Free fallin, fallin
Free fallin, fallin
Free fallin, fallin
What a guy!
And that's what the song is really about: an epic tale of a man battling the forces of undeath himself to protect his AMERICAN girlfriend, only to make the ultimate sacrifice. Granted there are interpretations that paint the song as the tale of a Californian man, who used and broke up with his girlfriend and is surprised at how much he doesn't care. Mullohand, Reseda. and Ventura Blvd. are all places in Cali, and the vampires are metaphors for the bloodsucking people that live there, using others for their own personal gain. This is bullcrap. The song is an epic about murdering Dracula. And them's the facts.

Selling out is FUN!

Hey YOU!

Yeah you!

Quit running away, that restraining order isn't in effect until the 20th!

There! Now I couldn't help but overhear through the walky talky I quietly sewed into your pants that you are having computer troubles. I know how to fix that!

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Act fast! Robots love Cornflakes, but human flesh is tastier.

From "The Personal Files of Awesome_Dragon"







My friends and casual acquaintances it is time I told you the truth about our world. A truth few have known about, and few always will. Eons ago, there was a war in Heaven. Satan and a third of the beings there fell and were cast to Earth. However, there are six beings that there is little record of. These six beings were Satan's most powerful and loyal generals in the aforementioned war.




They were called the Darchons.




The six Darchons were pure evil in it's highest form, six demons each with a particular power or ability that were capable of immense destruction. After the fall Satan imprisoned each Darchon all over the world, fearing that they would interfere with his plans. For millenia the Darchons waited patiently as their seals began to fade. One by one over the ages they escaped, striking a deal with a weak and pathetic human that allowed them complete control over their host, giving them the bodies they needed to accomplish their dark designs.







Unfortunately my research has only revealed two Darchons at this time, the first of which I will share with you know. After much research and a few near death experiences, I compiled this file.







The Darchon Files 001: GalgaMael

Name: GalgaMael the Fame Monster

Powers and Abilities: Mind Control, Power over Illusions, Telekinetic abilities.

Current Host: Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, aka "Lady Gaga"


To the best of my knowledge, GalgaMael the Fame Monster, was the first Darchon to free himself. Darchons hunt hosts with similar desires and prey on them and offers them visions of glory until the person is willing to host the demon in order to achieve greatness. Sadly this rarely works in the hosts favor.

GalgaMael is called "the Fame Monster" for a very simple reason: He feeds on fame. He literally needs it in order to survive. He has spent centuries as a popularity parasite, taking a host turning her (Oddly most of GalgaMael's hosts tend to be female.) into an overnight sensation and then leaving her to cope after her twenty minutes of fame are over. Many of GalgaMael's former hosts are driven mad by the experience and have a hard time healing their mental scars after possesion. Former hosts like Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan have a long way to go if they ever wish to get over thier traumatic time spent as hosts to a Darchon.

After acquiring his most recent host he became a pop celebrity in no time at all, using his powers of persuasion to acquire record deals, and using hypnotic music to brainwash the masses. In no time at all GalgaMael had acquired vast amounts of fame and was more powerful than ever before. The more outrageous his acts became the more slaves flocked to his aid. Unfortunately GalgaMael's power continues to grow unchecked.

The mere mention of GalgaMael (or his host's) name causes the monster's powers to grow, so fortunately since few people read this blog, the mentioning here will not raise his strength substantially.

Simply knowing the truth will help you resist GalgaMael's dark influence, and hopefully spread the word to combat him. Why the Council has yet to send someone to combat him however remains a mystery.

Ten Things I'd like to Thank Twilight For

(Caution, this post is awesome and thus you will be offended. But if you know me, there is a good chance I've offended you in multiple increasingly hilarious ways already.)

The title of this blog post probably BLEW. YOUR. MIND. Rest assured my hatred for Twilight is as strong as Twi-Vampires are sparkly, but I've said everything negative I have to say about Twilight so many times that I can't bring myself to go through the same spiel anymore. So, I've taken a different approach, I'll list ten "positive" things about Twilight instead. So, without further ado, the ten things I'd like to thank Twilight for:

1. THANKS FOR ROOTING OUT THE CRAZIES FROM THE REGULAR PEOPLE

95% of all Twilight fans are crazy. This is a universal truth that can not be denied. The remaining 5% are good people that got caught up in a whirlwind of bad writing and estrogen. Thanks to Twilight however, separating crazy people from regular people has never been easier! Be it a dance, a party, a date, whatever, just ask whoever it is you are about to hang out with if they like Twilight. If they say no, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! If they say yes, befriend them at your own risk because there is a pretty good chance they'll break into your house in the middle of the night and watch you sleep.

2.THANKS FOR GIVING THE WORLD SOME GREAT COMEDIC MATERIAL

This one is pretty much self explanatory, and I'm sure you've already heard all my jokes on the subject, but when your source material is so bad, it's own actors take potshots at it, well....

3. THANKS FOR CONVINCING GIRLS EVERYWHERE THAT STALKING, AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE AWESOME

Just kidding, this is actually pretty horrible. The messages these books send out aren't exactly kid friendly, but who is the target demographic? One day when the teenage fans grow up (and the middle aged fans die) they'll look back and hang their head at what they once considered romantic.

4.THANKS FOR BRINGING TOURISM TO A SMALL TOWN IN WASHINGTON

At least the sleepy burg of Forks, WA gets to rake in tourists. Sure most of these tourists are crazy teenage girls that probably ask every guy they see to bite them, just in case, but hey free publicity! And New York thought pudgy tourists with cameras were bad.

5.THANKS FOR RUINING OVER ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF PROGRESS FOR THE MORMON CHURCH

This one even I'll admit is an over exaggeration, but I'm really running out of ways to make it to ten. However quite a few people have taken many of the creepy aspects for the books to be just general Mormon weirdness. Yes, we are weird, but we aren't Stephanie Meyer weird. Please don't associate us with her. Ever.

6.THANKS FOR BRINGING GLITTER BODY-LOTION BACK IN STYLE

I've been wondering what I was going to do with that surplus of 200 cases I ordered from Avon a few years back.

7. THANKS FOR PROVING THAT MEN AND WOMEN AREN'T SO DIFFERENT

For years women have joked that men are pigs, but when a movie comes out featuring half naked men fawning over a teenage girl, suddenly it's the best thing ever. If you flipped the genders of almost every character in the series people would be calling sexism over and over. But those werewolves are just SO dreamy!

8. EIGHT IS MY FAVORITE NUMBER

So I get to skip one and make my way to ten faster.

9.THANKS FOR GIVING GREAT BANDS FREE PUBLICITY

At least the soundtracks give some more obscure and really good bands some bonus iTunes purchases. Too bad the albums have Twilight on the front though.

Finally, there. Last but not least:

10. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME HOPE

Thank you Stephanie Meyer, you pale pudgy Mormon housewife you, for showing a young aspiring author that with absolutely no effort on my part, I can publish giant pieces of dredge and come out a millionaire. For showing me that no matter how bad I accuse my own writing of being, that if you got published,

ANYONE CAN.

Soldier of Fortune

The US government was in a bind. It had a Navy. It had an Air force. It had bombs and stuff, but there was thing the government did not have, the one thing that could keep the United States of America together.

Me.

Recently I received the selective service pamphlet thingy so I can register for the armed forces in case of a draft. They say everyone gets one as they approach the age of 18 but I know the Government has been eyeing me since this photo of me in my pajamas was released on the Internet:

Fun Fact: That gun is actually a gun shaped pillow. It shoots very powerful sleeping pills. They're called bullets.

At first I was against this: I'm a loner baby! Why should I serve the man? But then after learning that not signing up was a felony and that I could go to jail I decided I should selflessly sign up. So after making sure that America was no longer at war with the Nazis, the Japanese or morality I signed up.

Now there is a very slim chance I will actually be drafted, but if I am I am totally ready. I once beat a dolphin to death with my bare hands and I've been known to take down a T-Rex or too (if I'm wearing Hulk hands of course.) So If I'm forced, er drafted to defend these fifty states of China, er America then so be it. I'll go to kick butt and chew bubble gum. And something tells me there won't be enough Juicy Fruit to go around.

The only two things a growing boy needs in order to be sent to a foreign land to kill strangers.

Awesome_Dragon signing off. God bless China. I mean America!

I am internetting!

Hello and welcome to my blog. If you are reading this I'm going to assume one of two things:

1. You are one of my friends or my immediate family.

2. You are a very bored nerd who typed "Awesome Dragon" into Google and wound up here.

Either way you are here and you can't leave. Unless you hit that tiny X in the right hand corner of your monitor. Or change the URL at the top of the screen.

Or get up and walk away from the computer.

Yeah right. If you could do that you wouldn't be here would you?

Unless you're my family. I'm sorry. I love you.

So anyway here at muh blog I'm pretty much going to do whatever I want. And I mostly want to make fun of things. Especially YOU. No, not you. YOU! Yeah you know who you are.

Jerk.

So be sure to monitor my blog. I'll be sure to update at some point in time. Most likely the past. Maybe the future. Who knows?

I do!

Shut up.